I don't discount anything that me and Peter shared. Peter was my first love and we were an epic fairytale event, and I know if we stayed together I would be torn in my happiness. I would have been torn between what I thought I wanted and what I truly needed. He wouldn't have been that happy if he had to change his whole life, daily actions, and beliefs for me either. People our generation are under a severe misconception that life are like the chic-flicks that we watch, but it isn't. Love shouldn't be this big struggle and war within yourself. The world we're living in today is already at war, love shouldn't be that hard. Loving Daryl was one of the easiest choices that I had to make. He first became my best friend and then slowly he became my lover.

Peter was a BIG part of my life, he help mold and craft me into the woman that I am today, he was my best friend for almost a year but what felt like years, and those emotional ties will take time to severe and those feelings will take time to wain. There are moments where I catch myself missing him...

Someone once told me that life is sorta like hiking a mountain. It's cloudy and we don't always know where we're going, we know the general direction of up and down and some of us know that we definitely want to get to the top no matter what it takes but most of us could never see quite beyond a couple of steps. Everytime we hit a plateau, we think we've reach the top. Yes, the view is spectacular but I was not at the top just yet. And that's what Peter was for me, he's was a plateau. It was a beautiful experience and a much needed life lesson, but he wasn't my summit. Now I have a clearer idea of what I want and need and what love and a relationship really could be, Daryl is my summit and with him I always feel like I'm on top of the world despite any and all circumstances. I simply love him.

His name is Daryl Woodfield. He's from Mapleton, UT. He is 24 currently going to BYU majoring in Asian Studies and Business. He served his mission in London, England, Mandarin speaking. He has brown hair blue eyes, is very tall 6'4". He is the fifth out of six kids. He's also one of my best friend. We could just spend hours with each other just talking to doing nothing, or doing everything. He makes me laugh, and he just gets me. He handles me really well, he understands the good, the bad, the ugly, and the crazy sides of me. And we are on the same level spiritually, emotionally, mentally, physically (but not literally physically since he's a foot taller). Most importantly, I know without a doubt that it's the right thing to do. He's not just the guy I want to be with, he's also the guy I know I should be with. So there you go, that's the huge love hurdle that I overcame.

Happiness is what I'm feeling right now. I don't quite know how to describe it, perhaps it's because words don't do it justice, perhaps it's much more of a warm all enveloping feelings that my brain can't seem to comprehend in its entirety and the brain can't seem to label it with any sort of adjective or form sentences about it.

I'm happy. I'm truly happy.

My life has altered dramatically since the last time I've emailed you. I'm no longer on the fence about fairytales; I've thrown out the window a lot of my misconception about life and love and discovered my own meanings regarding those. I've learned what I truly want, what I need, and where my priorities lie. Even though the results are completely unexpected, completely different from what I thought I wanted for so long, I'm happy now.

I got an answer. I got an answer even if it wasn't the answer I wanted right then and there. It's the answer that was what's right for me, it was the answer that would lead to the best choice for me and everyone else involve and everyone else, strangers that I could influence in the future. I got an answer and it wasn't Peter. He was the love of my life. He was my first love. He was the boy that I thought I wanted to spend my life with. But he wasn't the best choice, he wasn't what I truly wanted or needed to be. Sometimes doing what's right, and being in love means letting go. Sometimes it means acknowledging the poignant and tragic fact that we simply aren't as compatible as we wanted or thought we could be for each other. It's acknowledging that he could be happier and more compatible with someone else and so can I. He was what I wanted but he wasn’t what I needed. I was what he wanted but I know that I won’t always be what he needs.

People don’t tell you that what you want isn’t always what you should do. People don’t tell you that you don’t always get what you want—and thank God, we don’t always get what we want—they don’t tell you that what you want is just based on your very limited perspective and desire and that perspective and desire changes as you grow. People don’t tell you that what makes you truly happy is what you should do because what you should do is base on your beliefs and those are core values that makes you who you truly are. People don't tell you that sometimes despite doing the right thing is what you should do, and it is what’s best for everyone involve. People don’t tell you that while choosing right and receiving the subsequent confirmation and reassuring peace of mind, you might also harbor conflicting emotions. People don't tell you that when you're doing what's right that when you break up with the supposed love of your life nearly rips you apart and that you'll still miss him at times and still love him perhaps for forever, but despite it all you'll still have that peace of mind.

Loving Peter and being with Peter was like having cancer. I understand that this analogy is crude and insensitive but it's entirely fitting.  He taught me a lot about life and love, loving him made me gain perspective. Loving him molded me into the woman I am today. I learned about what I want and needed in this life. I learned about love, what is love, how to love, and so much about him and myself. He's one of the best man that I've ever gotten the privilege to know in this life and for that I'm eternally grateful.

Is love enough? Does love conquer all? Do every girl grow up and become princesses, do we marry the prince charmng and live in that castle on a hill? Do fairytales exist? ANd perhaps even if we don't get the castle because of the economic repression can we get the classic American dream of the white picket fence and the 2.5 kids?

Lately, as I've start to discover that one of my needs in my life in order to be happy is that I must be at peace with myself, at peace with God, and at peace at where I stand with God. I'm starting to realize that I must lead a righetous life. And as I'm starting to realize that I'm also starting to unravel a more distubring truth. I can't seem to shrug off growing doubts that I should break up with The Boy. And there's nothing wrong. He doesn't hit me, he is not nor will he ever cheat on me, and he's my first love and the best guy I've ever met. Yet, I can't help that there are these doubts etching away on my inside, clinging onto my heart and brain, like black thorny threads of fears threatening to engulf all of my soul. I feel as if we're at the breaking point where our lives only seem to be diverging further and further instead of coming together and culiminating in a marriage and the beginning of a life as a "us" or a "we" instead of a "me" and a "him". He's getting out of the army in Februrary 2010 and has a job offer back home in Hawaii that's simply too good to past up. I'm stuck in Utah, where I'll remain till I graduate in April 2010. And that's just a minor minute thing that we'll spend another year apart. Because the truth is, our geographical-spatial distance is just the tip of the iceberg, and this iceberg is about to cause a titantic change in my life and I'm so afaid. So afraid.

What ever happen to the dreams that we have when we're a little kid? Because ever since I was a little girl, I've been encouraged if not indoctrinated into believing that I should deserve and settle for nothing less than a temple marriage. A marriage that includes God, myself, and my husband, something that's doesn't end with "death do us part" but last for "time and all eternity." And the truth is, if I do end up marrying The Boy, I'm afraid that all of our differences in lifestyle, beliefs, morals, and values would tear us apart. Our differences would be magnified especially when we throw little ones into the mix. And I understand that each marriage requires their fair share of compromises and changes, however, I'm afraid that because my religion is so "demanding" and all encompassing, inflitrating every aspect of my life, he would have to change his habits in order to accomodate my beliefs. I wouldn't be able to drink when he wants to, I wouldn't even be able to drink coffee or tea. Would he be comfortable with me giving up 10% of my income to my church? Would he be okay with me wanting to pray and read the scriptures with our kids every night and day? Would I be okay if he never converts and never believes? Because the truth is, religions and faith is completely illogical and unforgiving, unforgiving in the sense that you can't simply incoporate some truths and pick and choose which aspect of different religions you wish to abide and convert to. Instead it's either your own religion or someone else's.

Even if we do survive the odds of inter-faith marriage and not let our differences tear us apart and ruin our future and our kids, what if he never converts and never believes? Would I be content to just spending this lifetime with him? I know that my faith and my religion might not make sense to most, but it's something that I deeply believe in, it's something that I must abide by. It's my core. It's who I am, it's how I perceive myself, and the world, how I decide what my actions and words would be. It's how I'll view our relationship and him. And would I be content with just a lifetime with him and then an eternity of being alone? Would I be able to risk not just my salvation, but also his, and my kids? Should I take that gamble? I understand that falling in love is a risk, it's a leap of faith. You blinded by your emotions have soared to cloud 9 and you're jumping and hopefully plunging back down into your lover's arms. Back down to earth to be wed for forever. And I know that The Boy has already caught me and that his actions and his love doesn't leave me wondering if he'll ever let me just fall flat on my face. But him not being a member of my church, leaves me afraid because I don't want to spend eternity without him standing beside me. For I'll know what it was like to be in love with him, and then I would have to spend an eternity not being able to be with him. Now, that's hell despite being in heaven.

I don't want him to convert just because of me. I want him to only convert if he believes. And I understand, that if he truly is the best guy I've ever known, then he'll do what it takes to study and feel of the spirit in order to find out of my church is true. But at the same time, I struggle with the gospel. I struggle with living principles that I know that are true, so from a realistic point of view, how can I expected it off him to come to believe and understand it all, especially since we live in a society that's mostly agnostic and who doesn't pioritize religion but merely plays the part when it's convienent and popular. I don't want him to drastically change his life and his nature and convert for me. I used to believe and say that the road to happiness is parallel not perpendicular. You should find someone who has similar goals and desires in life and together work towards a shared happily-ever-after. It shouldn't be perpendicular, you shouldn't have to change your nature for the other. Yes, change your habits. Yes, compromise. But never compromise and change so much that you lose who you are as an individual, that you lose your convictions and your beliefs. I don't want him to change and convert for me, because the truth is, 10 years down the road, or even a year after we get married, he'll start to resent me for the changes that he has made. He'll hate me for making him cave, or himself for caving, or God for making it so hard. And those are all not pleasant options. If I love him, should I let him go?

I'm mainly contemplating breaking up with Peter, because the effort that will be required on both our parts is tremendous and the changes titanic proportions and I'm afraid that we might resent ourselves and regret our marriage because of the sacrifices that we had to give up. I mean, what ever happened to forgotten dreams or
perhaps no dreams are ever forgotten, just abandoned? Where do those dreams go? I don't want them haunting me. And maybe I am Peter's dream, and maybe when he was a little boy, this wasn't how he envision his future, not with a girl like me. Who knows? But I do know that my dream is sorta like a fairytale. I do want to get married in the temple that looks like a castle to my prince-charming. And I do want
the possibility of happily-ever-after despite the trials of life and marriage, I want to be with my prince not just now but for forever.

A convictions. A set of core beliefs and values. And not just knowledge but faith. Not just a testimony but a conversion. I don't want to just believe, I want to believe enough that I can enact change.

Ever since Easter Sunday, I've discovered that I know nothing. Absolutely nothing. I never thought of myself as one of those Christians who merely went to church and major holidays, but that week, when I went to church, I left feeling guilty and heavy and being one of those half-hearted Christians who didn't believed but only did things to save their butts just in case heaven and hell was a reality after death. I don't
know if it's because it's Easter that most of the speakers were speaking about the atonement and applying it into our lives, or because at the end of sacrament, my bishop did something rather unprecedented. He got up and he told the whole congregation, that Easter is a season of rebirth and that it's a season where each of us can recommit to being a better disciple of Christ. And then he got emotional and you could hear the concern in his voice when he said, that he knows there is one among us that needs to speak with him today. And one usually speaks to the Bishop to resolve some grievous sin. And perhaps it was my guilty conscience but I felt as if he was talking about me.

Whether or not it was or was not me, whether or not someone else went to see him to resolve/confess something or simply because someone was suffering from a trial. It doesn't change the fact that I felt really guilty. I didn't go into to see him, mainly because my roommate wanted to leave after sacrament was over, and she was my ride. So we left. Would I have gone in to see the bishop? I don't know, I don't know if
I have enough courage to do so, to admit that I did something wrong despite knowing better, to confess that it wasn't merely the act of sex, but that I was struggling with my faith. I know the gospel is true but I also know that my testimony isn't growing and my life isn't in accordance to what I could be doing meaning I could be a better Mormon girl and I'm not trying as hard, I could be a better example to The Boy. And I know that everyone suffers from their little vices--and mine happens to be one of the most biggest sin: sex. And that I know I might always struggle with  keeping the law of Chasity--the law of Chasity is basically no pre-marital sex--since The Boy wasn't the first guy I've slept with. But I still feel guilty for no only deliberating
disobeying but also for being a horrible example to him.

I'm devastated, remorseful, and sacred out of my mind. The fear from all the uncertainties regarding my schooling--if I'm going to be expelled, or what my major is going to be--my uncertainities regarding the future with The Boy, and just uncertainties regarding what I believe and who I am and who is God and who I am to God; those fears are paralyzing me when I need to move the most.  First I allowed doubt to pervade my mind, doubt that probably stemmed from my fear of the uncertainty, my fear for the future, and my fear of losing The Boy. Then doubt leads to discouragement. Discouragement comes from missed expectations or in other words bad experiences with boys in the past and also discouragement from
desiring and seeing the more positive outcome. And chronic discouragement leads to lower expectations, decreased effort, weakened desire, and greater difficulty feeling and following the Spirit. I should have fought harder to be a better example for him, I should have fought harder to also believe and lived the gospel, so then perhaps we wouldn't have slipped and been sooo tempted to have sex and perhaps then I wouldn't be lost in this seemingly infinite abyss of despair. Discouragement and despair are the very antithesis of faith. And I know that I'm the one that's broken and it's not because of The Boy because I was discouraged even before I went to
Hawaii, I haven't seriously been studying my scriptures and offering up sincere prayers. I wasn't doing the right thing because I was sooo caught up in doing the things that I needed to do that I didn't have time for the things that mattered. The choices that we make define who we are and I don't want to be a hypocrite. And I
want to do things right in ever aspect of my life, so that I'm not jeopardizing my future. I want to do things right even though I've never done a relationship or even conducted my life in the right wayfor long periods of time and I'm sacred as hell that I'll have to give up The Boy or that he'll walk away because he think he is making me worst or something absurd like that, or that we'll remain together and because of our different values and beliefs one might grow to resent the other because of the changes that has to be made.

Anyways, discouragement leads to distraction, a lack of focus. Distraction eliminates the very focus the eye of faith requires. I was distracted by everything that I had to do. And this was happening even before I came to Hawaii, it was as if the adversary was prepping me to slip and then for me to singlehandedly destroy not only my faith, but
his, and our future together. I was so distracted by the mundane things that I had to do that I fail to set time apart for the things that truly matter. And ironically, even though I kept doing the things that I had to do, the list was never ending and I still didn't feel that peace of mind that I needed. Distraction leads to a lack of diligence, a reduced commitment to remain true and faithful and to carry on through despite hardship and disappointment. Disappointment is an inevitable part of life, but it need not lead to doubt, discouragement, distraction, or lack of diligence. And because I
didn't do anything to change my actions and strengthen my faith, I disobeyed in Hawaii and disobedience undermines the very basis of faith and that's why I was so afraid that he'll would not believe because of my bad example and I was even more afraid to admit that I no longer know what to believe in. Because so often the result of disbelief is the conscious or unconscious refusal to believe to know the truth and
the desire to investigate the truth. The scriptures describe disbelief as the state of having chosen to harden one’s heart. It is to be past feeling. And I was past feeling.
I didn't feel remorseful or sorry about us having sex. And I still don't feel that way. I don't regret having sex with him. But I do long for the peace and the quiet confidence that I was leading the life that God wanted me to live. And I do long for the feeling of having the Holy Spirit with me and for feelings God's love, for having faith that everything will turn out right in the end if I try my best to do the Lord's will.  Perhaps I needed to learn things the hard way more than once, over and over again. And perhaps this trial will strengthen both my faith and my relationship.
I do it again, YES, but probably after we get married. I love you.

I've cried and prayed about things, I've asked for forgiveness and now I've received a peace of mind. I literally got down on my knees and I couldn't stop sobbing. I was crying because there's been something missing in my life for so long, and that's the peaceful affirmation that I'm doing the right thing. And I don't just mean not doing
anything wrong, but pro-actively doing the things I'm supposed to do. Pro-actively reading my scriptures, saying my prayers, and helping and serving others. And I was so sacred that I might lose The Boy, or that I've done something so irrevocably bad that I've ruined my chances to be with him, his conviction and desire to investigate the church, and my own eternal progression. I was so afraid that I wouldn't be strong
enough to tell The Boy and that we wouldn't be strong enough to endure this change. But I know now that if I would forsake my sins and commit to getting to know Christ better, to rededicating my life to the gospel, to not just be believing but also to doing the right thing, that Christ and his atonement will be make me whole and heal. That
after all that I can do that Christ, in his grace and mercy will bear the burden of my sins and forgive me.  Yes, I'm not perfect, and I'll might never be perfect, I might
always struggle with my faith especially in times of adversity, but I know that as long as I have the desire to improve that I will be okay.

A chance. A chance to be accepted for who they are--the good, the bad, the ugly, and sometimes crazy--a chance to be love and a chance for them to fight for what/who they love. That's all anyone ever asks for.

It's 2 in the morning and I literally can't go to bed. Do you know how hard it is to try and accustom to sleeping without The Boy again? It's been 15 relative days in paradise besides the rainy weather in Hawaii and the occasional bouts of dramas from family members on both sides of the relationship. And now I just miss him. I miss falling asleep in his arms. I miss taking afternoon naps or sleeping in till literally after noon time. Yes, the number one thing we did this vacation is sleep. The Boy justifies that when we're on vacation time, we get to sleep 14 to 16 hours compared to the average requirement for decent sleep of 8 hours for him and 6 hours for me. So while he sleeps, I take pictures and while I place my head on his chest, listening to his symphonic range of snores as my breathe/head raises and falls with each breathe he takes. I simply just love him.

I wish he would give me a call right now. I wish I wasn't sleeping when he called earlier. So I could have talk to him longer and tell him that I miss him like crazy and that this next month with playing catch-up with school and work plus me going through withdrawals from him, I might just need another vacation to recover from the backlash of this past vacation. I wish I could ask him the silly mundane questions about his flights, his layover, his itinerary once he reaches Afghanistan. I wish I could tell him that I'm sending him a package tomorrow so that he'll get it once he reach Afghanistan. I also wish I could tell him that he can tell me any problems that he has with his family--things that he hasn't already told me--and that even though I can't solve everything, I can help him bear the burden and besides if you don't tell your person your problems, how else would they get a chance to show you that they love you? And that no matter what the circumstance/dilemma is, we'll tackle/conquer/survive/endure it together and we'll be alright in the end. I wish I could tell him that I have loved every single moment that I've spend with him and that I can't wait to start spending the rest of my life with him. I wish I could have told him that he's my future hubby and I'll follow him to the ends of the earth and into the dark. I wish I wasn't so sleepy earlier that I couldn't carry on a conversation and now all I can do is lay awake and think of him. (Don't worry, everything that I wish I could have told him, I've already told him before.)

Now it seems like the one thought/question in my mind is that what's the happiest and/or most romantic day of your life? And how does the events/experiences of that day reflects you? And it all boils down to The Boy. I know now with a certainty that he is the one that I want to marry.

I hate being this girl. I hate being the overly paranoid, prone to jealous boughs of tears type of girlfriend. And just for the record, I'm barely this girl, despite the numerous boys that I've dated, and if I am this girl, well, I usually have good reason to be.SA little bit of history for you: the two boys that I truly liked before The Current Boy, they both cheated on me and still claimed that they love me. And I'm not trying to rally sympathy points, but everything bad that you don't want with a boy, has happened to me. The physical abuse, the emotional infidelity, stalkings, solicitations, even the rape. So suffice to say, now I'm a little cynical towards men. (Sometimes, people do horrible things in the name of love, and I understand now that love is perfect but people are not and sometimes, their ways of loving you is definitely not perfect.) Anyways, back to the dirty little secret at hand. I SNOOPED. I checked the Boy's email behind his back which lead me to more overly paranoid behavior and on the verge of jealous tears. I'm not going to try and justify my actions, but let me try and carry you through my rationalization.

Living with the boy this past week has brought me to certain realization that I was willing to camouflage away under the carpets of "giddiness", "business", and "dramas of life and the military". But now that we're whisked away on an R&R, there are certain things that I simply can't deny any longer. I can't deny that we have different values and sometime it seems we have different priorities in life. I can't deny that other people and their opinions do indeed affect and influence me and my outlook despite how much I want to believe that it's is just the two of us in paradise. I can't deny that even though I want to be with him so badly, I don't know if I should be. I can't deny that I'm am so afraid to lose him, that I might lose hope in us, for one or both of us to give up fighting because of the trials that we face. I can't deny that I am still broken in some ways and still hang on to my cynical views at times despite how he tries to bring out the romantic/optimist in me. I can't deny that even though he brings out the best in me and he's the best guy I've ever known, and the only man I've ever love, that I'm so afraid that I can't have him.

He is having family problems and he has little desire and hardly any motivation to patch things up even though his brother and parents have reached out to him time and time again. He is currently investigating my religion, but somehow seems to only be doing it to appease me and isn't putting forth any effort outside of the face time with the missionary to think or pray about things. (Another secret confession: perhaps I could also do my part and help him out a little more and lower my expectations. Simply support him and provide every opportunity for him to learn and decide on his own.) I don't need him to convert and I don't want him to convert unless he believes in it. But there are certain implications and consequences that comes with marrying a non-member and I'm uncertain if I'm willing to take some of the spiritual risks involve. (We've talked about marriage and he has confessed on more than one occassion that he wants to marry me. He calls me his wife at times and calls my parents "Mom" and "Dad" respectively) Already, I'm noticing the church members and some of the people that I hold dear to my heart giving me those sympathetic faces and telling me that they'll pray for me and The Boy, as if I was dying from some sort of disease. And I'm sure that it's a nice gesture and perhaps if I wasn't in my position, I would acknowledge that prayers are good, but I'm sick of validating my relationship to everyone just because he's not of my faith.

I had the opportunity to snooped tonight and to write this long confession is because out of the 2 weekends that we have on this R&R, The Boy has decided to take both the Friday and Saturday night of the last weekend we have together to spend with his friends clubbing and drinking. And I know that in the big picture, it's not an outrageous idea to spend 2 nights out of 15 days with your friends, but this is my blog and I can regurgitate my crazy thoughts if I see fit. Okay, I'm getting a little worked up for once stupid reasons. I fully acknowledge the unreasonable girly stereotypes that I'm currently displaying. Anyways, tonight, he's out with his friends at a 21 and over club. Drinking and partying. And I wouldn't mind it so much, if it wasn't for one slight glitch. I'm not even mad or worried about the drinking and I would fully accept him if he came home to me completely piss drunk. It's partially the other girls that they'll be checking out, maybe dancing, maybe flirting with. But it's mostly just one girl: The Nice Perfect Girl-Next-Door. When he got an email from her with her phone number attached, her asking to meet up that she used to like him, he confessed that she used to like him. (It's not the past girlfriends and flings that you need to worry about, it's about the one that got away, and I don't know if she's the one that got away.) And the thing that makes me fear, is not that he'll cheat on me. At least, that's not my biggest fear--though my cynical side does doubt at times--my biggest fear is that he'll realize that she might be a better fit for him than me. She looks like me, she's really sweet, eager/friendly, and she doesn't have religious limitations, plus she probably doesn't freak out as easily as I do.

The snooping has led me to find out that he told her that he'll be at the club tonight with his buddies and she's already going with another girlfriend. He knows that I can't go because I'm not 21 but more importantly, I'm uncomfortable with him hanging out with her but now I can't say that I know. I can't call him on his act. All I can do is kiss him good bye, hiding the small hot tear sliding down the side of my cheek and make him promise not to do anything to deliberate hurt me. And just before, you start making snide remarks about The Boy. He did notice that I was freaking out, and he did offer to cancel his plans. But I'm trying to be logical, I'm trying to build up my trust, and I'm trying to love him and expand my heart beyond my paranoid views, so I told him to go. I just wish that he won't flirt or dance with her. I hope he doesn't let me down and hurt me. And I hope that in the long run, we'll work out. I'm going to tell him the truth behind my thoughts about The Nice Perfect Girl-Next-Door--I already confessed all my other fears to him earlier during the week which left us crying in each other's arms--though I'm uncertain if I should confess about the snooping, plus he shouldn't leave his email lying around ;)

This blog is quite literally about Baggage or Luggage. Perhaps it's also metaphorically symbolizing a power struggle between me and my parents and perhaps just perhaps, me growing up and being obedient. I'm venting and struggling to put aside my own opinions act like a fool and obey my parents. Okay, perhaps I'm being a little melodramatic, I'm not a fool and I don't always act like a fool. Most of the time if I am acting like a fool, it has nothing to do with my parents but entirely of my own doing.

My parents' only request is for me to bring home these 2 ancient luggages. You know the ones that are a rectangular horizontal beast on 4 squiggly, squeaky wheels. The ones that look like colorful boxy St. Bernards (the dog) even including the "leash" for you to pull and tug it in the direction of choice. And I'm struggling real hard with this request. I don't want to lug the beast--one luggage semi-filled with clothes, books, shoes inside another luggage--I could just imagine myself tripping over myself just to get it safely to my destination. I guess I don't want to look like a fool. Yes, I'm self-conscious at times--especially when I'm returning home to the one place and with those people that criticize me directly and indirectly all of those 17 years. And why would they want those 2 obsolete beasts one would ask? Why, it's because of storage. The stereotypical Asian in them, cannot let anything go to waste and must surely recycle and find some use for obsolete items. So what are the luggages going to convert into? Storage. I'm sorry, WHAT!?! Wouldn't plastic containers serve better for storage than luggages? I don't understand their logic, and if I don't understand their logic, I don't know why I should endure the--maximum of 1 hour of pain--for them. Okay, I'll admit it, I'm being an ungrateful brat. I should just do what they say regardless of how I'll look, if I love them, that means sometimes risking looking like a fool to obey them. Love means lugging luggage, no, love means making a fool out of yourself to make the other happy.

So I'm going back home, first time in 2 years. And before I even depart from SLC, I'm starting to feel like my old self again. The same old 17 year old that left the island all stoic--not hugging or no exchanges of "I-Love-You's" to her family--only to cry on the entirely plane right to Utah. I'm feel like that girl all over again, when I know that I've grown and change and I've become more of a lady. Someone who's more certain of who she is, what she wants, and what's truly important. Yet, most of the time, when it comes to my parents especially when we're just talking about me and them, I feel as if I'm back to that girl all over again. *Sigh* And I don't want to be that girl. I don't want to be insecure about the way I look, the things I do and say. I don't want to feel as if I'll never be good enough and measure up to my sister or anyone else. I don't want to be that girl!

And I'm not that girl, it's just that sometimes, they bring it out in me. I have a theory that we are different version of oursevles around different people. For example: The Boy brings out the best in me, the best in the cynic, the best in the optimistic romantic, the best in the intellect, the best in everything. Whereas the parents on the other hand, well that's another story, but most of the time, it's the worst in me. Unless, they're venting to me and wanting me to theorize about my teenage brother's horrid habits. Sometimes, I wonder despite how much one changes, can one truly change who they are or how they are perceive or how they might act around a certain people? Because sometimes, I really do feel like that 17 year old girl again.

Switching Sides from Offense to Defense: Changing our Perspective to Limit Wars

                Woodrow Wilson, the 28^th president of the United States of America—the world’s first contender for world hegemony—once claim that he entered World War I to fight “the war to end all wars”. However, even after the conclusion of World War I, there was not only a second World War but also countless of other wars ranging from proxy wars during the Cold War era, to Korean War, to the Gulf War, to the Vietnam War, and now to the War on Terror ranging most prominently in Iraq and Afghanistan.  The increasing frequency wars in addition to that the growing occurrence and acceptance rationalizing of preventive wars—such as Vietnam and Iraq—can be credited to what realists call the anarchic system. The structure—or lack of authority—in world government, that leaves states clamoring for survival and power. The anarchic system in an offense dominated world permits and creates the right breeding ground for fear, uncertainty, and the ever bothersome Prisoner’s Dilemma, increasingly the likelihood for states to enter into wars. Robert Jervis and Stephen Van Evera acknowledge and highlight the realities of our offense-defense world, further offering optimistic policy prescriptions of changing and widening perspectives through education, establishing clearer communication, and reforming our actions to become more distinguishable, ultimately switching gears from a offense dominant society to a defense dominant world. We might never be able to eliminate wars, but through policy changes, we might be able to mitigate aggression, reduce paranoia, and limit the security dilemma.

                Robert Jervis in his article “Offense, Defense, and the Security Dilemma,” talks about how in the anarchic world that we live in, one state effort to improve its security winds up being ineffective, sometimes even to the point of counter-productive because it triggers strong efforts by opposing or neighboring states to beef up their security. However, Jervis theorizes that the security dilemma isn’t always prevalent in every situation.  Jervis hypothesize that security dilemma tends to thrive in an offense dominated world—where it’s easier to attack than defend—especially one in which states’ actions are indistinguishable. Jervis is optimistic that we live in a defense dominated society—where it’s easier to defend than to attack. He believes that this is evident in the fact that geography and logistics appeal to a state’s defensive course of action and deter them from attacking others. Despite whether one believes we live in a defense dominant world, one thing is clear, and that is that in a defense dominant society, the security dilemma can be limited and aggression mitigated.

The international structure might always be anarchic but if a defense dominant society, aggression is unlikely because it is in everyone’s favor to act more defensively utilizing deterrence and containment instead of preventive attacks; this is precisely the reason why Mearsheimer reminisce often about the Cold War era. In a defense dominated society, states as rational actors would seek to cooperate instead of defecting; because we have turn the tables from playing the prisoners’ dilemma game to one of chicken. Whereas in an offense dominated society, all military acts are viewed through the lenses of skepticism and paranoia. Even in the best situation where other states actions are distinguishable, aggression is possible and likely and fuels the security dilemma, perhaps to the point where actions begun to blur and become indistinguishable, and that’s where preventive wars—such as Iraq—starts to occurs, wars thus becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy with no hope of a miraculous resolution for either parties.

Van Evera continues in his article, “Offense, Defense, and the Cause of War,” to hearken those sentiments that Jervis brought out. But he further emphasis on the idea that ultimately it is the world’s perception of states’ actions that determines where they stand and subsequently their actions. Van Evera credits the increasing rates of war to the fact that wars are likely to occur when conquest is easy. Van Evera elaborates that conquest is easier in an offense dominated world because states would seize chances for opportunistic or defensive expansions,  adopting offense oriented internal policies—to allocate more of their military budget, adopt military training and doctrines, even to the extend that preventive wars are deemed legitimate and moral part of their foreign policy. However, Van Evera is optimistic that if we adopt different social and political structures, if the leaders of the great powers would focus inter-state relations, strengthening our diplomatic factors world wide, cooperation among states will be more profitable than defections, and wars are less likely to occur as frequently.

The first step towards a defense dominant society is to change our perspective. When we change our perspective, we can change our actions subsequently changing other’s actions. According to Van Evera’s research, states’ military actions doesn’t have a direct correlation with the likelihood of war, instead it is the perception of the military actions that has a stronger correlation with the outcome of war or lack thereof. The constructivist, Alexander Wendt in his article entitled “Anarchy Is What States Make of It,” advocates that reality is based solely on perception. We may still live in a world crippled by the self-help system of anarchy, states actions towards each other is not a result of anarchy but of collective identity and state interaction. Great powers’ perception of themselves and others are the biggest threat to global security. And if we perceive the world not through the lenses of skepticisms and paranoia that is inherent in an offense dominated world, but with a clearer vision, with a clearer understanding of our relations and actions, we will be able to mitigate aggression, reduce paranoia, and limit the security dilemma and ultimately decrease the likelihood of war.

Wendt believes that states act and react based on meaning. States like individuals assign meaning to each act—military, political, and economical—that influence them. And by compiling these impressions and meanings, they form a social construction, deeming others as friend or foe. Realists like Mearsheimer might believe that a friend today is an enemy tomorrow, but Wendt believes that relations all depend on how you perceive others and vice versa.  Wendt further advocates that we can change our own identity—our role-specific understand and expectations of self—and simultaneously the perception of others when we change our behavior.  Van Evera believes that we can change our perspectives by acquiring better intelligence, by adopting military defensive force posture instead of offensives ones. States should seek to discourage attempts at global hegemony and preventing multipolar rivalries by having benevolent multipolar regional hegemonies. In order to discourage another world war with the regional hegemons, the regional hegemons should concentrate on deriving a plan for international security that would assist in developing a cooperative and healthy world economy and decrease worldwide military offensive budget and keeping an adequate proportion of domestic and regional defenses based on population and economic resources.  In addition to those military stratagems, we could also further push in the direction of a defense dominant society by educating ourselves about the world, about their cultures, about their political structure, about their current identity and perspective of the world. Another suggestion by Van Evera is for states to craft arms control agreements to limit offensive force. There may not be a central international force to enforce the agreement, there may always be countries like Iran or North Korea who seeks more nuclear power, but if we reduce the level of desperation that is rampant in an anarchic offensive system, those countries that do choose the less optimal and less profitable choice of defection would more likely lean towards deterrence than to attacks. Van Evera propose that if states would strengthen their defensive alliances world wide, the low cost and high rates of benefits of cooperation would greatly outweigh defection that no rational actors would defect. Ultimately the only way to shed the uncertainty and paranoia of the offense dominated world, is through education and communication. The abstract policy prescriptions from Wendt coupled with the applicable changes supported by Van Evera could be the just the mix of ideology and practices that would lead us down an extensive route that would ultimately lead to peace.

 

 

Sometimes I find myself really sick of the natural man within myself. The natural tendency to gravitate towards to common vices that plague human kind, vices such as lust, greed, overwhelming unhealthy passions, apathy, sloth, pride, etc. Sometimes I wonder why is it that it always take a trial to bring me down to my knees in prayer. Sometimes I wonder why don't I ever change, the trials may be different--though a good portion of my trials might or might not be teaching me the same lessons--but my approach to life and my day to day behavior doesn't seem to vary. Yet with each time I kneel to pray and fast, I always promise to forsake certain sins, to do better, to be better. And yet, slowly but surely, I seem to revert back to my old ways especially once my trials have passed me by.

Sometimes I wonder how does God do it? How does HE (God) possess that unconditional love, that never-flailing hope, that never-ending mercy? How is it that HE could love, trust, and have hope in a sinner such as I. Sometimes I wish I could see a glimpse of what God sees. Sometimes I wish I could peek into the future, or at least know of my worth and comprehend an ounce of the potential that I could become and I could develop. Sometimes I wish I could actually conduct and exhibit real change. Sometimes I wish that my one baby step forward in the right direction wouldn't leave me also falling ten step backwards the next day. Sometimes I wish not only have but also retain a change of heart. Sometimes I really just disappoint myself.