I think that love is a choice. I think that it's innate and even natural for us to be attracted to many different individuals for different reasons, but I think ultimately, you end up with the person you're with because you choose to be with them. I think you choose that individual not only because you want to be with him/her, but you also think being with him/her is worth giving everyone else up, even if it doesn't end in happily-ever-after, they're worth the you taking a risk and a chance, they're worth you giving up all others to give it a real shot. I think love is about wanting him/her to be there, I don't think love is a need, in the sense, that when you're in love or when you're with someone, it shouldn't be because you need to be with them. You shouldn't need them to survive--financially, emotionally, physically. But I believe that at times, love and wanting someone to be there with you through all of life's struggles and pleasantries can be so strong that it could almost become a need. It wouldn't be an actual need--such as food or water--but it's be a want so strong that it almost synonymous with a need. 

I believe that love isn't always picture perfect, I believe that love doesn't always happen with in a fairytale manner. In fact, I believe that true love perhaps isn't as complicated as society and tv dramas make it out to be, but I believe that it could be hard. I believe that with some individuals that you meet, love comes much easier, though I don't believe in love at first side. (Sorry, I still hold onto some aspect of my cynicism) I believe that love or a successful--not necessarily always happy--relationship could happen between any two individuals if they are both think the other is worth the effort, if they're both willing to put the other's happiness before their own, if they're both willing to be unselfish, if they're both willing to work it out. But I also believe that you shouldn't have to entirely change who you are for the person you love. I believe that loving someone and being in a relationship will inevitably change you a little bit, you mold and shave a little of yourself to attempt to fit "perfectly" with your other half, but I don't think one should change their nature for another. The path towards happily-ever-after should be parallel not perpendicular. Both individuals involve should be headed in the same directions, with similar moral, religious, and family goals. I believe that whoever you end up with, should love you for who you are--the good, the bad, the ugly, and sometimes crazy. I believe life wouldn't always been peachy, I believe that at times there will be flare-ups and perhaps even arguements that threaten to explode into WWIII, but in the end, after all the "aggressive negotiations," he/she should still return back to your side. I believe in agreeing to disagree and compromising. 

The opportunity each day for a new beginning. To live a little more righteously. To love a little more bravely. And to push myself a little further each day and exceed my own pre-supposed limits. The opportunity to change and grow and become the woman that God sees in me. 

What God wants of me. I like to think that I'm this valiant disciple of Christ that would do whatsoever he asketh of me. But I know better, and I don't want to be in denial or lie. The truth is, I have a hard time letting go of what I want, and what I think the Lord wants of me, in order to truly listen and comprehend and then find the courage to simply do based on faith. Another thing I find the hardest time asking is money, especially finanical help from the people closest to me. I feel as if on some level if I don't make ends meet financially--starving college student putting herself through college--that I have failed. And I'll admit it, I'm a perfectionist. So admiting that I've failed and then putting this burden onto someone else and requesting for help, Even if they do love me and want to help it, to some degree, it just seems unfair to them. Ironically, on the other hand, I would give up everything and anything for the people that I love and care about. O wells, I guess it's something that I struggle with, and something that I'll have to accept or fix. 

I took my best friend to the Emergency Room last night. And because she's currently unemployed, she does not have insurance. As a result, one tiny little visit, in which they simply dope her up with antibiotics and painkillers is going to cost her approximately $1,500. And the doctors and nurses however kind they are, merely told her what we already knew, and that is that she has a severe urinary tract infections, and she also has "other adominal problems" which they can't and won't treat at this moment. Thanks a lot of nothing. And I guess this blog is mostly about righteous indignation for her, for she's had one trial after another. From being divorce, to losing her half-siblings to their idiot biological mother and her alcoholic abusive father, to being unemployed, to her mother being dignoised with cancer without insurance,constantly counting every dollar and still finding themselves in mountains of debts and haunted by creditors, and now she herself has her own health failing.

And that got me thinking, not that I'm a socialists and demanding free healthcare for everyone, but it's simply UNFAIR. And it isn't merely this incident, but many other incidents throughout the years that I've been on my own and growing up, that my eyes have truly been open to the many injustices of the world. The many injustices that some we've learn to turn our back or a blind eye to or some that we've simply learn to acclimate and accustom ourselves to other's unjustified sufferings.

And I know I can't blame God, and I recognize why He allows bad people to do bad things. All of it is base on CHOICE. And on the earth, we have the free agency to choose whatsoever we desires, though we may not always have a choice in our consequences. And I recognize that God can't simply filter and allow some people to make certain choices while prohibiting others to make their choices. But sometimes, I wonder what the kids in third world countries did to deserve their war-torn and shabby lifestyles. And what did the kids in suburbia with their white picket fences and new cars and branded clothes did to deserve their luxury. And don't anyone dare tell me, that they were righteous so they deserve some sort of more privileged lifestyle, while the others were simply evil. What a load of BS. And it's not just those extremes, but even without our own nation, there's an ever widening gap between the rich and the poor. There are some people that live in Happy Valley and their trials are seemingly easy to bear while there are others that I know personally and have experienced first hand whom are constantly bombarded with one problem after another. I have a rather different perspective on things, perhaps its when we are doing what's right, when we're on our path towards fulfill our own divine destinies that the adversity pushes and pull at our heartstrings the most by showering us with obstacles one after the other, sometimes overlapping. And I know that God only gives us what we can handle, so perhaps those of us that suffer "more," is only suffering to the same degree that the girl in Happy Valley is when her only complain is that her thighs are too fat.

I guess the way I see it, in the ideal society, those that are prvilleged and blessed with more in this life should not simply harbor and hoard their abudance to themselves, but to share it with those that are struggling to meet end's meet. And to the young American youth: OPEN YOUR EYES. Stop listening and watching those stupid frivolous youtube clips and instead watch the news. Stop obessing over celebrities and what's the newest trend or thing in fashion or technology, instead be compassion and start caring about one another. See how the world is struggling for balance and peace, see how the nations are struggling to feed their people and generate jobs, see how familites across the globe are struggling to keep together and raise the next generation. Stop living in a media daze and illusion that what's happening out there won't affect you, cause it does and it will. Stop thinking that the world revolve around you and start noticing and helping others, even if it's just one person your entire lifetime, or making a stand for something that you're passionate about.

My heart. I have a hard time letting people in. I have a hard time letting others love me. And it's silly because I would willingly give up an organ, money, or my life for my love ones or strangers even. But I guess I'm afraid. I'm afraid that I might get accustomed to someone loving me, someone being that good to me, someone always being there. And what if they leave me? What then? Cause, I'll be devastated. And it might take me quite a while to pick myself back up again. (I'll be fine, just takes a while, and in the meantime, life is semi-crappy, and I might indulge in unhealthy relationships.) But I'm trying to change that. And I'm trying to be better. I've discovered the true meaning of love this past couple of months, and I've found the best guy I've known, and I'm taking a risk. I don't know how it'll all turn out, but he's entirely worth the risk. And even if it doesn't work out, it'll hurt like hell, but I have and will and am currently learning a lot about myself, him, and love, so it's all worth it. And I know that if we do what's right, if we keep ourselves in tune with the Lord, He will never forsake us nor lead us astray. The Lord loves us and knows us better than we do ourselves, and whatever outcome he desires of us will be better than we ourselves can ever imagine or create. 

No pain no gain. I believe that there is inevitable pain whenever there are trials and adversity, however, misery which is self-inflicted is optional. I believe that there are two sort of trials and that is penalty adversity and growth adversity. Penalty adversity is simply that you did something knowing that it was wrong and that it was a transgression and hence you must endure the pain and the suffering for your choice. Where as growth adversity is simply life's challenges, suffering and growing pain that are completely unwarrented. I believe that it is through our suffering that we really learn and grow, it is through that pain that we learn our life lessons and how to better empathize with our fellowmen. And that most of the time, the right path to take, is the hard path to take, for nothing worth having is simply easily obtain. So yes there is value in our suffering, and it's about enduring the pain well, about embracing the truth and the lessons learn, and not so much about the end destination. Life is about the journey, and having hope and faith is about finding journey in the journey amidst the suffering. 

Today has been one of those days, so long though it's merely sunset, one of those days where I just want it to be over. To curl up under my covers and go to sleep and wake up pretending and erasing everything that I've done or thought about today. Though honestly, today's "long-ness" is completely unwarranted and my life is relatively good and happy compared to most. So I really don't know why I'm complaining. I'm filled with doubt when I know I really should be filled with faith and hope, for God gives unto us the feeling of faith not of fear and doubt. Faith fulfills while doubt destroys. So I know all of these, I just don't quite fill it and comprehend/belief right now. I know I will, perhaps tomorrow or after I vent and right, but as for right now, I need a ltitle time to just be human. To indulge in a litlte pity-party and relish in a little sulking and moping. And as you read on, it almost seems like I'm going through a mid-life crisis at the tender age of 19. The following paragraph of incoherent ramblings might sound rather childish and immature, my 19 year old self shining through so beware. 

Tight. Tight beyond belief. Living from paycheck to paycheck. Barely making ends meet. Direct Advances on my accounts. And a short term loan for tutition due in March in which I really have no ideal how I'm going to pay for it. So am I'm screwed financially? YES. I'm stuck in a sticky financial situation, a downward cycle that might lead to bankruptcy. Okay, I might be a little melodramatic. But the truth is, as an international student, I'm unable to request students loans for as much as I want. I'm also a limited on the scholarships I can apply for; plus, I'm really just not as smart or as impressive on paper compared to the other international overacheiving students. Another restriction with my status is that I can only work 20 hours a week, and my meager paycheck of 8.50 per hour must be split between rents and bills, and loans and debts. Am I screwed financially? YES. I'm your stereotypical starving college student. And the starving adjective is quite literal as I only eat one meal a day, my one free meal at work (I work at a restaurant). And unlike most college student, I really don't blow my money on the latest technology nor entertainment nor fashionables clothes. I'm just broke.  

Will we end up together? I want to know if Me and Peter are going to end up together? I both want to know the answer yet fear that what if it turns out to not be the answer that I want, am I going to be strong enough to handle it? Is my faith going to falter if something happens to him in the Middle East? Am I going to fall into some deep dark cavern and not recove for quite some time? Am I going to lose my hope in love and my faith in God, and my zest for life? Cause, he's grown to become my everything and I don't know what I'll be or how I'll be without him in my life.

That there's still good in the world. There's still hope for mankind. Despite on going wars or threats of wars to unfold worldwide. There is still good that can be done, there is still good inherent in each individual and there's still hope for this world that these individuals if guided and given the opportunity, slowly taking baby steps transform the world one day at a time. Despite mankind's track record in bloodshed and inhumane actions towards each other, despite all that I'm learning in my international conflict class and theories of international relations class. I do believe that each one of us is given a gift or at the bare minimum, a goodness. And this goodness--the desire to do good, the ability to love and take pity, the ability to reason and empathize through the obstacles and pain of life--can not only have effect on each individual but also on to each of their surrounding love ones and friends. I believe that we can slowly transform and change the world, starting with one person at a time, starting with ourselves being the change we want to see in the world, and the radiating and affecting good changes outwards and upwards. This is uncharacteristically optimistic of me, but  from my perspective, a small hope, a simple wish, a deep desire is better than having none and resenting our fates to the hands of others. I believe in fighting for a cause, even if it's merely an idealistic utopia with little to no hope of becoming reality, at least there's changes and progression in the right direction. It's not about the dream, it's about the journey.

This past week, I've been struggling to find hope, I've been struggling to find faith to do the things that I know are right, to find the courage to believe that somehow everything will be alright, and I've been struggling to place my trust in the Lord. But now after reading a couple of church articles, I'm still struggling but I have the calm reassurance, the bright confidence, and the optimistic outlook on life. I have hope. My faith will overcome my fears, and my hope will overcome my despair. I will not be a woman who will sit and bemaon tragedy. I will move. I will put my faith and hope into actions and I will go and do the things that the Lord will have me do, and I'll craft my happily-ever-after.

During the course of this past week, I've found out that my boyfriend's father is dying, and my best friend's kidneys are also failing. And I don't know what I'll do if something happens to her. The truth is, her mother already has cancer and will most likely not survive this year, and now that her kidneys are also failing, I'm further worried and afraid. Plus on top of it all, I seem powerless to comfort and to save my love ones--the best friend, and the boy--from immearsurable pain and sorrow. There's no words that I can utter that will comfort them, there's nothing that I can do that will make it all go away. And I was left feeling completely helpless and hopless. But through fervent prayers and fasting, I've come to certain realizations.

The adversary uses despair to bind hearts and minds in suffocating darkness. Despair drains from us all that is vibrant and joyful and leaves behind the empty remnants of what life was meant to be. Despair kills ambition, advances sickness, pollutes the soul, and deadens the heart. Despair can seem like a staircase that leads only and forever downward. Hope, on the other hand, is like the beam of sunlight rising up and above the horizon of our present circumstances. It pierces the darkness with a brillant dawn. It encourages and inspires us to place our trust in the loving care of an eternal Heavenly Father, who has prepared a way for those who seek for eternal truth in a world of relativism, confusion, and of fear. Hope in our Heavenly Father's merciful plan of happiness leads to peace, mercy, rejoicing, and gladness. The hope of salation is like a protective helmet, it ist he foundation of our faith, and an anchor to our souls. Hope is not knowledge, but rather the abiding trust that the Lord will fulfill His promises to us. It is confidence that if we live acording to God's laws and the words of His prophets now, we will receive desired blessings in the future. It is believing and expecting that our prayers will be answered. It is manifestin confidence, optimism, enthusiasm, and patient perseverance. With hope comes joy and happiness. With hope, we can have patience, and bear our afflictions.

No matter how bleak the chapter of our lives may look today, because of God and his son: Jesus Christ, we may hope and be assured that the ending of the book of our lives will exceed our grandest expectations. Because God has been faithful and kept His promises int he past, we can hope with confidence that God will keep His promises to us in the present and in the future. In times of distress, we can hold tightly to the hopet hat things will work together for our good as we follow the counsel of God. This hope in God, His goodness, and His power refreshes us with courage during difficult challenges and gives strength to those who feel threatened by enclosing walls of fear, doubt, and despair.

And to all who suffer--to all who feel discouraged, worried, or lonely--I say with love and deep concern for you, never give in. Never surrender. Never allow despair to overcome your spirit. Embrace and rely upon the Hope of God, for the love of the Son of God pierces all darkness, softens all sorrow, and gladdens every heart.

Freak out. I have to be honest, that's my natural intial reaction. However, that isn't the dominant or persistant reaction after the intial shock. After the freaking out, I pray. I pray to remembering the tender merices of the Lord and the miracles that He has enacted in my life. To remember that he has never left me forsaken and alone and He will not do so now. I pray for increased faith and a more perfect brightness of hope. Pray for greater courage to do the will of the Lord. Pray for greater strength to withstand temptation. Pray for the wisdom to decipher what the Lord will have me do. Pray for my will to be reconciled onto His. Than I take a deep breathe and think rationally while I craft up a plan. And if all else fails, I remember:

"COME WHAT MAY, AND LOVE IT."
Every life has peaks and shadows and times when it seems that the birds don't sing and bells don't ring. Yet in spite of discouragement and adversity, those who are happiest seem to have a way of learning from difficult times, becoming stronger, wiser, and happier as a result. The way we react to adversity can be a major factor in how happy and successful we can be in life. If we approach adversities wisely, our hardest times can be times of greatest growth, which in turn can lead toward times of greatest happiness.

Sometimes I feel as if my mom is like the United States and I'm like Africa minus the STDs. It's a strange metaphor, but you'll come to understand it soon as I elaborate further. My mom is like the US because she will only give aid as long as I abide by her orders, like there's always some sort of hidden agenda or contigency with her help. So she's helping me out with tutition this semester, and now she's suggesting that I should live on on-campus housing for next fall and winter. Which really isn't that bad, In fact, I know it's the logical choice but I'm stubborn and a stickler to my ways sometimes--after all, I've been living and supporting myself ever since I left home at 17.

On-campus housing which is bigger and sometimes nicer is cheaper than off-campus housing. ANd it's at least $100 cheaper if I get a shared room if not $50 cheaper if I get a private room.And then if I get a meal plan--cause she wants me to eat--than it'll be cheaper than cooking for myself and paying other miscellaneous bills. She wants me to get a meal plan simply because she's afraid that I'm not eating. It's not that I don't eat, it's merely that sometimes I'm too swamp with school and my 2 jobs to find time to eat, and other time I'm just too lazy to cook. So yes, I'm eating about one meal a day, but I'm not anorexic or bulimic, I'm just busy and exhausted. But the main reason, why I don't want to live on on-campus housing is the IRRITATING FRESHMEN.

There's a reason why my best friend is a 31 year old. And I recognize that I'm currently still in my "teens" but I simply don't like the majority of the people my own age or younger. Most are just dumb. Take now for an example, there's a reason why I'm in charge of the freshmen at one of my jobs, that is because they need soemoen to kick their ass, someone to motivate them. And because I simply don't get along with majority of them. I've accepted that I won't always like everyone in this world, and they won't always like me. And yes, I can tolerate their mindless, stupid, shallow, self-absorb obession and talk, but I don't want to. (I know, I'm starting to sound like the very people I dislike, see what they bring out in me.) I know I sound like some judgemental snotty bitch, but seriously, I don't need stupid people. I don't need them to quote to me youtube videos and lines from movies. Because half the time, I've never watched those movies or videos nor do I have the desire to. ANd I don't need them to drag me into their pathetic attempt to get some guy's attention. I guess we just have different interests. I'm interested in a bigger perspective, or a more mature understanding of the world and individuals. I watch news, documentaries, guy flicks, and sometimes rated R movies. And I love sex and talking about sex, and most of the freshmen girls in my ultra-conservative religious school are virginal in every way imaginable.

Yes, I'm probably going to move onto campus next fall. After all, if I really do want to save money and travel or buy whatever I want for the Boy while not being too concern with money and living from one paycheck to another, than I need to do the logical choice. Perhaps, I don't have to be Africa. Perhaps I could be the EU or China, she could still be the US and provide for my security while I build up my GDP and development. Yes, I'll be living in on-campus next year.


P.S. I've lost 10 pounds in the past 3 months thanks to working out daily at the gym. 5 miles of running per day--5 days a week--and lifting weights. And of course, eating healthier and attempting to cut out desserts of all sorts. Attempting but not quite there yet but still YAY :)

Staying on it. Every year or at the start of each new collegiate semester, I'll make a list of goals things--spiritually, academically, physically, etc-- that I will strive to accomplish and do for the following months or years, and most of the time, I fall of the bandwagon. But I've decided or settled upon the consoling idea that as long as I'm working towards those goals, than I'm making baby-step progression, and it's not the destination that matters but the journey towards it. And besides, every progress is one step further away from where I started.

Every semester or new year, I'll start out with some sort of resolution like:

• Pray and Read Scriptures every day
  
• Cultivate Faith, Hope, and Charity
• Trust in the Lord
• Consult the Lord in all thy doings
• Bear your testimony
• Get a Temple Reccommand and go to the temple
• Pray and Fast for a personal revelation
• Or simply Fast weekly

And yes, so far i might still be struggle with staying on top of my goals or even accomplishing any. But I'm doing a little better. I'm taking baby-steps and I believe that as long as I have the desire and I'm constantly trying to improve myself, than it's okay. It's okay if I struggle, if I take one step forward and two steps back, as long as I don't give up. And when I struggle I pray. I pray for a greater desire to do what's right, to forsake evil and to do good continually. I pray for greater strength in the face of temptation, I pray for greater integrity and courage to do the Lord's will. And I pray that eventually one day, I'll become the woman that he sees in me.