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May 2009 
Doubts: Mini Mid-Life Crisis at 19
Posted on Jan 13th, 2009
by 
Nece
Nece
Today has been one of those days, so long though it's merely sunset, one of those days where I just want it to be over. To curl up under my covers and go to sleep and wake up pretending and erasing everything that I've done or thought about today. Though honestly, today's "long-ness" is completely unwarranted and my life is relatively good and happy compared to most. So I really don't know why I'm complaining. I'm filled with doubt when I know I really should be filled with faith and hope, for God gives unto us the feeling of faith not of fear and doubt. Faith fulfills while doubt destroys. So I know all of these, I just don't quite fill it and comprehend/belief right now. I know I will, perhaps tomorrow or after I vent and right, but as for right now, I need a ltitle time to just be human. To indulge in a litlte pity-party and relish in a little sulking and moping. And as you read on, it almost seems like I'm going through a mid-life crisis at the tender age of 19. The following paragraph of incoherent ramblings might sound rather childish and immature, my 19 year old self shining through so beware.
I'm having doubts whether or not I should keep my job. It's not satisfying, it's not chellenging, it's mundane and meticulous, and o sooo boring. And everyone that I've connected with have moved on to other jobs. I just really dread going into work each day. And I'm also having doubts whether or not I have what it takes to excel in my classes. Plus everyhthing that I've learn adn will learn in my political science classes is soooo dark. About the causes of war, use of force in war, militlary history, men's inhumanity towards men, international political theories, anarchy, seemingly all about the "end of the world." I'm trying to find a balance or get used tot he cognitive dissonance in my mind regarding the natural ugly and evil side of men and the hope that I want to believe that still exist in the world and in men. Furthermore, I'm also having doubts about Peter. I don't know if we're going to end up togehter. Not because I don't want to or he doesn't want to. I really really really want to be with him foreveor and I'll do everything humanely possible to do so, I'm just afraid that we won't. I'm afraid that I'm not meant to have him. I'm afraid that our differences in religion--especially because my faith is such an integral part of my life--will drive a wedge in between us or affect our upcoming marraige and eventual family. I'm afraid that he might not make it back to me alive, as he's now currently in Afghanistan. I'm afraid and having doubts about a lot of things. So perhaps when it all boils down, I'm just unravelled and revealed as a scardy-cat in a world full of uncertainity.
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