Sometimes I wish...

Sometimes I find myself really sick of the natural man within myself. The natural tendency to gravitate towards to common vices that plague human kind, vices such as lust, greed, overwhelming unhealthy passions, apathy, sloth, pride, etc. Sometimes I wonder why is it that it always take a trial to bring me down to my knees in prayer. Sometimes I wonder why don't I ever change, the trials may be different--though a good portion of my trials might or might not be teaching me the same lessons--but my approach to life and my day to day behavior doesn't seem to vary. Yet with each time I kneel to pray and fast, I always promise to forsake certain sins, to do better, to be better. And yet, slowly but surely, I seem to revert back to my old ways especially once my trials have passed me by.

Sometimes I wonder how does God do it? How does HE (God) possess that unconditional love, that never-flailing hope, that never-ending mercy? How is it that HE could love, trust, and have hope in a sinner such as I. Sometimes I wish I could see a glimpse of what God sees. Sometimes I wish I could peek into the future, or at least know of my worth and comprehend an ounce of the potential that I could become and I could develop. Sometimes I wish I could actually conduct and exhibit real change. Sometimes I wish that my one baby step forward in the right direction wouldn't leave me also falling ten step backwards the next day. Sometimes I wish not only have but also retain a change of heart. Sometimes I really just disappoint myself.