Things I've forgotten as of late

I've forgotten what it feels like to know that I'm on the right path spiritually, to grow from one of life's trials. Lately, I've forgotten what it feels to have that inner peace and quiet confidence from doing what's right, from doing the Lord's will. I found myself lacking in direction, in the feeling of divine love and warmth and hope for the future. Lately, I've deluded myself into thinking that perhaps if I wasn't as righteous, I wouldn't receive as much trials, I wouldn't have as much heartache, I wouldn't have to face that idea that I'm not supposed to be with Peter, that Peter or his dad, or my best friend, Janee and her mom all might either be already terminally ill or be in danger of some catastrophic physical harm. So I haven't been doing the things I'm supposed to do, I haven't seek to draw closer to the Lord. I've simply been going about my days running from one errand, one class, one job to another. And I find myself exhausted, hungry, cold, and most of all empty. I've forgotten my goals, I've lost hope and motivation because of the fear and doubt that I've let enter into my mind. I've forgotten my promise. I've neglected an integral part of myself. I've lost my inner light, I've lost the countenance of God shining through myself. I've lost it all.

But I've yet to lose hope. I know I need to change and as long as I have that ounce of desire, I know that it's possible, and I know I can foster and amplify that desire if I change my actions with baby steps. I know I haven't been the best example to Peter in regard to my religion. And I know that I need to be honest and gather up my courage and integrity. I know that I need to sacrifice some things in life and perhaps if it needs be, I'll need to sacrifice my future with him. But I honestly have faith and believe that if we go about doing it the right way, if I keep my commandments and not shy away from missionary oportunities, I know that if we're good and do it right and keep ourselves clean, I know that God would not deny me the chance to be with Peter. I know this. And now I need to firmly believe in it, in so much that my actions would correspond with my words, my desires, and my goals.