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fear
August 2009 
Secret Confession
Posted on Mar 15th, 2009
by 
Nece
Nece
I hate being this girl. I hate being the overly paranoid, prone to jealous boughs of tears type of girlfriend. And just for the record, I'm barely this girl, despite the numerous boys that I've dated, and if I am this girl, well, I usually have good reason to be.SA little bit of history for you: the two boys that I truly liked before The Current Boy, they both cheated on me and still claimed that they love me. And I'm not trying to rally sympathy points, but everything bad that you don't want with a boy, has happened to me. The physical abuse, the emotional infidelity, stalkings, solicitations, even the rape. So suffice to say, now I'm a little cynical towards men. (Sometimes, people do horrible things in the name of love, and I understand now that love is perfect but people are not and sometimes, their ways of loving you is definitely not perfect.) Anyways, back to the dirty little secret at hand. I SNOOPED. I checked the Boy's email behind his back which lead me to more overly paranoid behavior and on the verge of jealous tears. I'm not going to try and justify my actions, but let me try and carry you through my rationalization.
Living with the boy this past week has brought me to certain realization that I was willing to camouflage away under the carpets of "giddiness", "business", and "dramas of life and the military". But now that we're whisked away on an R&R, there are certain things that I simply can't deny any longer. I can't deny that we have different values and sometime it seems we have different priorities in life. I can't deny that other people and their opinions do indeed affect and influence me and my outlook despite how much I want to believe that it's is just the two of us in paradise. I can't deny that even though I want to be with him so badly, I don't know if I should be. I can't deny that I'm am so afraid to lose him, that I might lose hope in us, for one or both of us to give up fighting because of the trials that we face. I can't deny that I am still broken in some ways and still hang on to my cynical views at times despite how he tries to bring out the romantic/optimist in me. I can't deny that even though he brings out the best in me and he's the best guy I've ever known, and the only man I've ever love, that I'm so afraid that I can't have him.
He is having family problems and he has little desire and hardly any motivation to patch things up even though his brother and parents have reached out to him time and time again. He is currently investigating my religion, but somehow seems to only be doing it to appease me and isn't putting forth any effort outside of the face time with the missionary to think or pray about things. (Another secret confession: perhaps I could also do my part and help him out a little more and lower my expectations. Simply support him and provide every opportunity for him to learn and decide on his own.) I don't need him to convert and I don't want him to convert unless he believes in it. But there are certain implications and consequences that comes with marrying a non-member and I'm uncertain if I'm willing to take some of the spiritual risks involve. (We've talked about marriage and he has confessed on more than one occassion that he wants to marry me. He calls me his wife at times and calls my parents "Mom" and "Dad" respectively) Already, I'm noticing the church members and some of the people that I hold dear to my heart giving me those sympathetic faces and telling me that they'll pray for me and The Boy, as if I was dying from some sort of disease. And I'm sure that it's a nice gesture and perhaps if I wasn't in my position, I would acknowledge that prayers are good, but I'm sick of validating my relationship to everyone just because he's not of my faith.
I had the opportunity to snooped tonight and to write this long confession is because out of the 2 weekends that we have on this R&R, The Boy has decided to take both the Friday and Saturday night of the last weekend we have together to spend with his friends clubbing and drinking. And I know that in the big picture, it's not an outrageous idea to spend 2 nights out of 15 days with your friends, but this is my blog and I can regurgitate my crazy thoughts if I see fit. Okay, I'm getting a little worked up for once stupid reasons. I fully acknowledge the unreasonable girly stereotypes that I'm currently displaying. Anyways, tonight, he's out with his friends at a 21 and over club. Drinking and partying. And I wouldn't mind it so much, if it wasn't for one slight glitch. I'm not even mad or worried about the drinking and I would fully accept him if he came home to me completely piss drunk. It's partially the other girls that they'll be checking out, maybe dancing, maybe flirting with. But it's mostly just one girl: The Nice Perfect Girl-Next-Door. When he got an email from her with her phone number attached, her asking to meet up that she used to like him, he confessed that she used to like him. (It's not the past girlfriends and flings that you need to worry about, it's about the one that got away, and I don't know if she's the one that got away.) And the thing that makes me fear, is not that he'll cheat on me. At least, that's not my biggest fear--though my cynical side does doubt at times--my biggest fear is that he'll realize that she might be a better fit for him than me. She looks like me, she's really sweet, eager/friendly, and she doesn't have religious limitations, plus she probably doesn't freak out as easily as I do.
The snooping has led me to find out that he told her that he'll be at the club tonight with his buddies and she's already going with another girlfriend. He knows that I can't go because I'm not 21 but more importantly, I'm uncomfortable with him hanging out with her but now I can't say that I know. I can't call him on his act. All I can do is kiss him good bye, hiding the small hot tear sliding down the side of my cheek and make him promise not to do anything to deliberate hurt me. And just before, you start making snide remarks about The Boy. He did notice that I was freaking out, and he did offer to cancel his plans. But I'm trying to be logical, I'm trying to build up my trust, and I'm trying to love him and expand my heart beyond my paranoid views, so I told him to go. I just wish that he won't flirt or dance with her. I hope he doesn't let me down and hurt me. And I hope that in the long run, we'll work out. I'm going to tell him the truth behind my thoughts about The Nice Perfect Girl-Next-Door--I already confessed all my other fears to him earlier during the week which left us crying in each other's arms--though I'm uncertain if I should confess about the snooping, plus he shouldn't leave his email lying around ;)
Living with the boy this past week has brought me to certain realization that I was willing to camouflage away under the carpets of "giddiness", "business", and "dramas of life and the military". But now that we're whisked away on an R&R, there are certain things that I simply can't deny any longer. I can't deny that we have different values and sometime it seems we have different priorities in life. I can't deny that other people and their opinions do indeed affect and influence me and my outlook despite how much I want to believe that it's is just the two of us in paradise. I can't deny that even though I want to be with him so badly, I don't know if I should be. I can't deny that I'm am so afraid to lose him, that I might lose hope in us, for one or both of us to give up fighting because of the trials that we face. I can't deny that I am still broken in some ways and still hang on to my cynical views at times despite how he tries to bring out the romantic/optimist in me. I can't deny that even though he brings out the best in me and he's the best guy I've ever known, and the only man I've ever love, that I'm so afraid that I can't have him.
He is having family problems and he has little desire and hardly any motivation to patch things up even though his brother and parents have reached out to him time and time again. He is currently investigating my religion, but somehow seems to only be doing it to appease me and isn't putting forth any effort outside of the face time with the missionary to think or pray about things. (Another secret confession: perhaps I could also do my part and help him out a little more and lower my expectations. Simply support him and provide every opportunity for him to learn and decide on his own.) I don't need him to convert and I don't want him to convert unless he believes in it. But there are certain implications and consequences that comes with marrying a non-member and I'm uncertain if I'm willing to take some of the spiritual risks involve. (We've talked about marriage and he has confessed on more than one occassion that he wants to marry me. He calls me his wife at times and calls my parents "Mom" and "Dad" respectively) Already, I'm noticing the church members and some of the people that I hold dear to my heart giving me those sympathetic faces and telling me that they'll pray for me and The Boy, as if I was dying from some sort of disease. And I'm sure that it's a nice gesture and perhaps if I wasn't in my position, I would acknowledge that prayers are good, but I'm sick of validating my relationship to everyone just because he's not of my faith.
I had the opportunity to snooped tonight and to write this long confession is because out of the 2 weekends that we have on this R&R, The Boy has decided to take both the Friday and Saturday night of the last weekend we have together to spend with his friends clubbing and drinking. And I know that in the big picture, it's not an outrageous idea to spend 2 nights out of 15 days with your friends, but this is my blog and I can regurgitate my crazy thoughts if I see fit. Okay, I'm getting a little worked up for once stupid reasons. I fully acknowledge the unreasonable girly stereotypes that I'm currently displaying. Anyways, tonight, he's out with his friends at a 21 and over club. Drinking and partying. And I wouldn't mind it so much, if it wasn't for one slight glitch. I'm not even mad or worried about the drinking and I would fully accept him if he came home to me completely piss drunk. It's partially the other girls that they'll be checking out, maybe dancing, maybe flirting with. But it's mostly just one girl: The Nice Perfect Girl-Next-Door. When he got an email from her with her phone number attached, her asking to meet up that she used to like him, he confessed that she used to like him. (It's not the past girlfriends and flings that you need to worry about, it's about the one that got away, and I don't know if she's the one that got away.) And the thing that makes me fear, is not that he'll cheat on me. At least, that's not my biggest fear--though my cynical side does doubt at times--my biggest fear is that he'll realize that she might be a better fit for him than me. She looks like me, she's really sweet, eager/friendly, and she doesn't have religious limitations, plus she probably doesn't freak out as easily as I do.
The snooping has led me to find out that he told her that he'll be at the club tonight with his buddies and she's already going with another girlfriend. He knows that I can't go because I'm not 21 but more importantly, I'm uncomfortable with him hanging out with her but now I can't say that I know. I can't call him on his act. All I can do is kiss him good bye, hiding the small hot tear sliding down the side of my cheek and make him promise not to do anything to deliberate hurt me. And just before, you start making snide remarks about The Boy. He did notice that I was freaking out, and he did offer to cancel his plans. But I'm trying to be logical, I'm trying to build up my trust, and I'm trying to love him and expand my heart beyond my paranoid views, so I told him to go. I just wish that he won't flirt or dance with her. I hope he doesn't let me down and hurt me. And I hope that in the long run, we'll work out. I'm going to tell him the truth behind my thoughts about The Nice Perfect Girl-Next-Door--I already confessed all my other fears to him earlier during the week which left us crying in each other's arms--though I'm uncertain if I should confess about the snooping, plus he shouldn't leave his email lying around ;)
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