What does your highest self want for you today?

A convictions. A set of core beliefs and values. And not just knowledge but faith. Not just a testimony but a conversion. I don't want to just believe, I want to believe enough that I can enact change.

Ever since Easter Sunday, I've discovered that I know nothing. Absolutely nothing. I never thought of myself as one of those Christians who merely went to church and major holidays, but that week, when I went to church, I left feeling guilty and heavy and being one of those half-hearted Christians who didn't believed but only did things to save their butts just in case heaven and hell was a reality after death. I don't
know if it's because it's Easter that most of the speakers were speaking about the atonement and applying it into our lives, or because at the end of sacrament, my bishop did something rather unprecedented. He got up and he told the whole congregation, that Easter is a season of rebirth and that it's a season where each of us can recommit to being a better disciple of Christ. And then he got emotional and you could hear the concern in his voice when he said, that he knows there is one among us that needs to speak with him today. And one usually speaks to the Bishop to resolve some grievous sin. And perhaps it was my guilty conscience but I felt as if he was talking about me.

Whether or not it was or was not me, whether or not someone else went to see him to resolve/confess something or simply because someone was suffering from a trial. It doesn't change the fact that I felt really guilty. I didn't go into to see him, mainly because my roommate wanted to leave after sacrament was over, and she was my ride. So we left. Would I have gone in to see the bishop? I don't know, I don't know if
I have enough courage to do so, to admit that I did something wrong despite knowing better, to confess that it wasn't merely the act of sex, but that I was struggling with my faith. I know the gospel is true but I also know that my testimony isn't growing and my life isn't in accordance to what I could be doing meaning I could be a better Mormon girl and I'm not trying as hard, I could be a better example to The Boy. And I know that everyone suffers from their little vices--and mine happens to be one of the most biggest sin: sex. And that I know I might always struggle with  keeping the law of Chasity--the law of Chasity is basically no pre-marital sex--since The Boy wasn't the first guy I've slept with. But I still feel guilty for no only deliberating
disobeying but also for being a horrible example to him.

I'm devastated, remorseful, and sacred out of my mind. The fear from all the uncertainties regarding my schooling--if I'm going to be expelled, or what my major is going to be--my uncertainities regarding the future with The Boy, and just uncertainties regarding what I believe and who I am and who is God and who I am to God; those fears are paralyzing me when I need to move the most.  First I allowed doubt to pervade my mind, doubt that probably stemmed from my fear of the uncertainty, my fear for the future, and my fear of losing The Boy. Then doubt leads to discouragement. Discouragement comes from missed expectations or in other words bad experiences with boys in the past and also discouragement from
desiring and seeing the more positive outcome. And chronic discouragement leads to lower expectations, decreased effort, weakened desire, and greater difficulty feeling and following the Spirit. I should have fought harder to be a better example for him, I should have fought harder to also believe and lived the gospel, so then perhaps we wouldn't have slipped and been sooo tempted to have sex and perhaps then I wouldn't be lost in this seemingly infinite abyss of despair. Discouragement and despair are the very antithesis of faith. And I know that I'm the one that's broken and it's not because of The Boy because I was discouraged even before I went to
Hawaii, I haven't seriously been studying my scriptures and offering up sincere prayers. I wasn't doing the right thing because I was sooo caught up in doing the things that I needed to do that I didn't have time for the things that mattered. The choices that we make define who we are and I don't want to be a hypocrite. And I
want to do things right in ever aspect of my life, so that I'm not jeopardizing my future. I want to do things right even though I've never done a relationship or even conducted my life in the right wayfor long periods of time and I'm sacred as hell that I'll have to give up The Boy or that he'll walk away because he think he is making me worst or something absurd like that, or that we'll remain together and because of our different values and beliefs one might grow to resent the other because of the changes that has to be made.

Anyways, discouragement leads to distraction, a lack of focus. Distraction eliminates the very focus the eye of faith requires. I was distracted by everything that I had to do. And this was happening even before I came to Hawaii, it was as if the adversary was prepping me to slip and then for me to singlehandedly destroy not only my faith, but
his, and our future together. I was so distracted by the mundane things that I had to do that I fail to set time apart for the things that truly matter. And ironically, even though I kept doing the things that I had to do, the list was never ending and I still didn't feel that peace of mind that I needed. Distraction leads to a lack of diligence, a reduced commitment to remain true and faithful and to carry on through despite hardship and disappointment. Disappointment is an inevitable part of life, but it need not lead to doubt, discouragement, distraction, or lack of diligence. And because I
didn't do anything to change my actions and strengthen my faith, I disobeyed in Hawaii and disobedience undermines the very basis of faith and that's why I was so afraid that he'll would not believe because of my bad example and I was even more afraid to admit that I no longer know what to believe in. Because so often the result of disbelief is the conscious or unconscious refusal to believe to know the truth and
the desire to investigate the truth. The scriptures describe disbelief as the state of having chosen to harden one’s heart. It is to be past feeling. And I was past feeling.
I didn't feel remorseful or sorry about us having sex. And I still don't feel that way. I don't regret having sex with him. But I do long for the peace and the quiet confidence that I was leading the life that God wanted me to live. And I do long for the feeling of having the Holy Spirit with me and for feelings God's love, for having faith that everything will turn out right in the end if I try my best to do the Lord's will.  Perhaps I needed to learn things the hard way more than once, over and over again. And perhaps this trial will strengthen both my faith and my relationship.
I do it again, YES, but probably after we get married. I love you.

I've cried and prayed about things, I've asked for forgiveness and now I've received a peace of mind. I literally got down on my knees and I couldn't stop sobbing. I was crying because there's been something missing in my life for so long, and that's the peaceful affirmation that I'm doing the right thing. And I don't just mean not doing
anything wrong, but pro-actively doing the things I'm supposed to do. Pro-actively reading my scriptures, saying my prayers, and helping and serving others. And I was so sacred that I might lose The Boy, or that I've done something so irrevocably bad that I've ruined my chances to be with him, his conviction and desire to investigate the church, and my own eternal progression. I was so afraid that I wouldn't be strong
enough to tell The Boy and that we wouldn't be strong enough to endure this change. But I know now that if I would forsake my sins and commit to getting to know Christ better, to rededicating my life to the gospel, to not just be believing but also to doing the right thing, that Christ and his atonement will be make me whole and heal. That
after all that I can do that Christ, in his grace and mercy will bear the burden of my sins and forgive me.  Yes, I'm not perfect, and I'll might never be perfect, I might
always struggle with my faith especially in times of adversity, but I know that as long as I have the desire to improve that I will be okay.