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Struggles
August 2009 
On the Fence about Fairytales
Posted on May 10th, 2009
by 
Nece
Nece
Is love enough? Does love conquer all? Do every girl grow up and become princesses, do we marry the prince charmng and live in that castle on a hill? Do fairytales exist? ANd perhaps even if we don't get the castle because of the economic repression can we get the classic American dream of the white picket fence and the 2.5 kids?
Lately, as I've start to discover that one of my needs in my life in order to be happy is that I must be at peace with myself, at peace with God, and at peace at where I stand with God. I'm starting to realize that I must lead a righetous life. And as I'm starting to realize that I'm also starting to unravel a more distubring truth. I can't seem to shrug off growing doubts that I should break up with The Boy. And there's nothing wrong. He doesn't hit me, he is not nor will he ever cheat on me, and he's my first love and the best guy I've ever met. Yet, I can't help that there are these doubts etching away on my inside, clinging onto my heart and brain, like black thorny threads of fears threatening to engulf all of my soul. I feel as if we're at the breaking point where our lives only seem to be diverging further and further instead of coming together and culiminating in a marriage and the beginning of a life as a "us" or a "we" instead of a "me" and a "him". He's getting out of the army in Februrary 2010 and has a job offer back home in Hawaii that's simply too good to past up. I'm stuck in Utah, where I'll remain till I graduate in April 2010. And that's just a minor minute thing that we'll spend another year apart. Because the truth is, our geographical-spatial distance is just the tip of the iceberg, and this iceberg is about to cause a titantic change in my life and I'm so afaid. So afraid.
What ever happen to the dreams that we have when we're a little kid? Because ever since I was a little girl, I've been encouraged if not indoctrinated into believing that I should deserve and settle for nothing less than a temple marriage. A marriage that includes God, myself, and my husband, something that's doesn't end with "death do us part" but last for "time and all eternity." And the truth is, if I do end up marrying The Boy, I'm afraid that all of our differences in lifestyle, beliefs, morals, and values would tear us apart. Our differences would be magnified especially when we throw little ones into the mix. And I understand that each marriage requires their fair share of compromises and changes, however, I'm afraid that because my religion is so "demanding" and all encompassing, inflitrating every aspect of my life, he would have to change his habits in order to accomodate my beliefs. I wouldn't be able to drink when he wants to, I wouldn't even be able to drink coffee or tea. Would he be comfortable with me giving up 10% of my income to my church? Would he be okay with me wanting to pray and read the scriptures with our kids every night and day? Would I be okay if he never converts and never believes? Because the truth is, religions and faith is completely illogical and unforgiving, unforgiving in the sense that you can't simply incoporate some truths and pick and choose which aspect of different religions you wish to abide and convert to. Instead it's either your own religion or someone else's.
Even if we do survive the odds of inter-faith marriage and not let our differences tear us apart and ruin our future and our kids, what if he never converts and never believes? Would I be content to just spending this lifetime with him? I know that my faith and my religion might not make sense to most, but it's something that I deeply believe in, it's something that I must abide by. It's my core. It's who I am, it's how I perceive myself, and the world, how I decide what my actions and words would be. It's how I'll view our relationship and him. And would I be content with just a lifetime with him and then an eternity of being alone? Would I be able to risk not just my salvation, but also his, and my kids? Should I take that gamble? I understand that falling in love is a risk, it's a leap of faith. You blinded by your emotions have soared to cloud 9 and you're jumping and hopefully plunging back down into your lover's arms. Back down to earth to be wed for forever. And I know that The Boy has already caught me and that his actions and his love doesn't leave me wondering if he'll ever let me just fall flat on my face. But him not being a member of my church, leaves me afraid because I don't want to spend eternity without him standing beside me. For I'll know what it was like to be in love with him, and then I would have to spend an eternity not being able to be with him. Now, that's hell despite being in heaven.
I don't want him to convert just because of me. I want him to only convert if he believes. And I understand, that if he truly is the best guy I've ever known, then he'll do what it takes to study and feel of the spirit in order to find out of my church is true. But at the same time, I struggle with the gospel. I struggle with living principles that I know that are true, so from a realistic point of view, how can I expected it off him to come to believe and understand it all, especially since we live in a society that's mostly agnostic and who doesn't pioritize religion but merely plays the part when it's convienent and popular. I don't want him to drastically change his life and his nature and convert for me. I used to believe and say that the road to happiness is parallel not perpendicular. You should find someone who has similar goals and desires in life and together work towards a shared happily-ever-after. It shouldn't be perpendicular, you shouldn't have to change your nature for the other. Yes, change your habits. Yes, compromise. But never compromise and change so much that you lose who you are as an individual, that you lose your convictions and your beliefs. I don't want him to change and convert for me, because the truth is, 10 years down the road, or even a year after we get married, he'll start to resent me for the changes that he has made. He'll hate me for making him cave, or himself for caving, or God for making it so hard. And those are all not pleasant options. If I love him, should I let him go?
I'm mainly contemplating breaking up with Peter, because the effort that will be required on both our parts is tremendous and the changes titanic proportions and I'm afraid that we might resent ourselves and regret our marriage because of the sacrifices that we had to give up. I mean, what ever happened to forgotten dreams or
perhaps no dreams are ever forgotten, just abandoned? Where do those dreams go? I don't want them haunting me. And maybe I am Peter's dream, and maybe when he was a little boy, this wasn't how he envision his future, not with a girl like me. Who knows? But I do know that my dream is sorta like a fairytale. I do want to get married in the temple that looks like a castle to my prince-charming. And I do want
the possibility of happily-ever-after despite the trials of life and marriage, I want to be with my prince not just now but for forever.
Lately, as I've start to discover that one of my needs in my life in order to be happy is that I must be at peace with myself, at peace with God, and at peace at where I stand with God. I'm starting to realize that I must lead a righetous life. And as I'm starting to realize that I'm also starting to unravel a more distubring truth. I can't seem to shrug off growing doubts that I should break up with The Boy. And there's nothing wrong. He doesn't hit me, he is not nor will he ever cheat on me, and he's my first love and the best guy I've ever met. Yet, I can't help that there are these doubts etching away on my inside, clinging onto my heart and brain, like black thorny threads of fears threatening to engulf all of my soul. I feel as if we're at the breaking point where our lives only seem to be diverging further and further instead of coming together and culiminating in a marriage and the beginning of a life as a "us" or a "we" instead of a "me" and a "him". He's getting out of the army in Februrary 2010 and has a job offer back home in Hawaii that's simply too good to past up. I'm stuck in Utah, where I'll remain till I graduate in April 2010. And that's just a minor minute thing that we'll spend another year apart. Because the truth is, our geographical-spatial distance is just the tip of the iceberg, and this iceberg is about to cause a titantic change in my life and I'm so afaid. So afraid.
What ever happen to the dreams that we have when we're a little kid? Because ever since I was a little girl, I've been encouraged if not indoctrinated into believing that I should deserve and settle for nothing less than a temple marriage. A marriage that includes God, myself, and my husband, something that's doesn't end with "death do us part" but last for "time and all eternity." And the truth is, if I do end up marrying The Boy, I'm afraid that all of our differences in lifestyle, beliefs, morals, and values would tear us apart. Our differences would be magnified especially when we throw little ones into the mix. And I understand that each marriage requires their fair share of compromises and changes, however, I'm afraid that because my religion is so "demanding" and all encompassing, inflitrating every aspect of my life, he would have to change his habits in order to accomodate my beliefs. I wouldn't be able to drink when he wants to, I wouldn't even be able to drink coffee or tea. Would he be comfortable with me giving up 10% of my income to my church? Would he be okay with me wanting to pray and read the scriptures with our kids every night and day? Would I be okay if he never converts and never believes? Because the truth is, religions and faith is completely illogical and unforgiving, unforgiving in the sense that you can't simply incoporate some truths and pick and choose which aspect of different religions you wish to abide and convert to. Instead it's either your own religion or someone else's.
Even if we do survive the odds of inter-faith marriage and not let our differences tear us apart and ruin our future and our kids, what if he never converts and never believes? Would I be content to just spending this lifetime with him? I know that my faith and my religion might not make sense to most, but it's something that I deeply believe in, it's something that I must abide by. It's my core. It's who I am, it's how I perceive myself, and the world, how I decide what my actions and words would be. It's how I'll view our relationship and him. And would I be content with just a lifetime with him and then an eternity of being alone? Would I be able to risk not just my salvation, but also his, and my kids? Should I take that gamble? I understand that falling in love is a risk, it's a leap of faith. You blinded by your emotions have soared to cloud 9 and you're jumping and hopefully plunging back down into your lover's arms. Back down to earth to be wed for forever. And I know that The Boy has already caught me and that his actions and his love doesn't leave me wondering if he'll ever let me just fall flat on my face. But him not being a member of my church, leaves me afraid because I don't want to spend eternity without him standing beside me. For I'll know what it was like to be in love with him, and then I would have to spend an eternity not being able to be with him. Now, that's hell despite being in heaven.
I don't want him to convert just because of me. I want him to only convert if he believes. And I understand, that if he truly is the best guy I've ever known, then he'll do what it takes to study and feel of the spirit in order to find out of my church is true. But at the same time, I struggle with the gospel. I struggle with living principles that I know that are true, so from a realistic point of view, how can I expected it off him to come to believe and understand it all, especially since we live in a society that's mostly agnostic and who doesn't pioritize religion but merely plays the part when it's convienent and popular. I don't want him to drastically change his life and his nature and convert for me. I used to believe and say that the road to happiness is parallel not perpendicular. You should find someone who has similar goals and desires in life and together work towards a shared happily-ever-after. It shouldn't be perpendicular, you shouldn't have to change your nature for the other. Yes, change your habits. Yes, compromise. But never compromise and change so much that you lose who you are as an individual, that you lose your convictions and your beliefs. I don't want him to change and convert for me, because the truth is, 10 years down the road, or even a year after we get married, he'll start to resent me for the changes that he has made. He'll hate me for making him cave, or himself for caving, or God for making it so hard. And those are all not pleasant options. If I love him, should I let him go?
I'm mainly contemplating breaking up with Peter, because the effort that will be required on both our parts is tremendous and the changes titanic proportions and I'm afraid that we might resent ourselves and regret our marriage because of the sacrifices that we had to give up. I mean, what ever happened to forgotten dreams or
perhaps no dreams are ever forgotten, just abandoned? Where do those dreams go? I don't want them haunting me. And maybe I am Peter's dream, and maybe when he was a little boy, this wasn't how he envision his future, not with a girl like me. Who knows? But I do know that my dream is sorta like a fairytale. I do want to get married in the temple that looks like a castle to my prince-charming. And I do want
the possibility of happily-ever-after despite the trials of life and marriage, I want to be with my prince not just now but for forever.
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